Umbrella Etiquette

*Draft*

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that us ordinary city folk seem to struggle with.

Like what to do with your umbrella when walking the crowded city streets. Just how hard can it be, I hear you ask? Hmm. Too hard for some. Thankfully, I've managed to distill an otherwise complex issue down to two easy rules:

Rule Number 1. How to carry a folded, or unopened umbrella. If your name is James Bond you may tuck your umbrella under your arm so that the point is aimed, chest high, at the person walking behind you. You can then vary the speed of your progress in order to stab these unfortunates through the heart.
If, however, your name is not James Bond then carry the damn thing with the point facing the ground.

Rule Number 2. How to carry an unfolded, or opened umbrella. In the normal course of events this will indicate that rain is falling. Which will, for some reason, inflict most people with a maniacal desire to rush around, cross against the lights, and bustle their way to the front of traffic light queues whilst simultaneously playing with their phone and generally just not paying the world attention. When people do all of this with an umbrella in one hand they unwittingly place themselves in the great city umbrella derby. These derbies are characterised by sudden (and often violent) clashes of umbrellas in the crowded congregation points of the city. And the increased risk of someone being poked in the eye..

In the face of this potential carnage, you can really only do one thing to avoid maiming a stranger. Raise your arm and thrust your brolly high. Come on people, it's not that difficult..